Depression Part 2: What Am I So Afraid Of?

What am i so afraid of? Achievement? No, that can`t be it, because i used to love getting good grades and studying. It wasn't very hard for me, and i hardly ever had to study, so maybe that's a bad choice.

Am i really afraid of what other people will think? Will say if i do or don`t do something? I think i am. Which is stupid because i don`t really have that many friends to begin with.

But the fear of being alone runs really deep for me. I hate being alone. I would rather be in a room full of people and not say a word than be all by myself with all the thoughts in my head. Maybe that's my problem. I`m too afraid that the voices in my head are right. That passing thoughts are actually stone carved truths. Deep down i know they aren't, but i let them be. Because its easier. Because it makes me complacent. Complacent in my own demise. Its easier for me to just sit by and be lazy than it is for me to confront what it is I'm afraid of.

They say what separates a hero from a villain is this: a villain does what he does for the villain’s sake, whereas a hero does what he does for the villains sake. Am I a hero? When was the last time I did something for someone else? I don’t mean giving the homeless guy on the corner spare change. That didn't take any effort, and its change that’s not already designated for something else, hence why its spare. I mean really did something for someone else. Whether I wanted to do it or not. I can’t think of anything really. Or if I have, I don’t recognize it as such. And that is likely another problem I have. Putting up Christmas lights or getting presents for family members is absolutely for other people, I don’t get anything out of it really, except the joy on their faces when its done.

Why would I rather sit at home and watch TV? Why don’t I paint something or read a book or go out and exercise? Because I really don’t want to? No, that’s not it. Its because I'm afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid of missing out on something by doing something else. which is stupid because I end up getting nothing done. I sit on Facebook or just troll the internet for hours on end, doing nothing productive or of consequence to anyone or anything except burning the time I've been given.

I've been “gifted” with many things. Decent looks, relatively high intelligence, a kind heart. But what I haven’t got is determination. I don’t do things. I squander my gifts. I leave them in a corner and don’t pick them up save for rare occasions when they’re either truly needed or I simply can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror any longer without doing something.

I need to do something.

For a long time I used to tell people I was going to save the world. it used to be my mantra, my catchphrase, my ideal. Somewhere along the line I stopped listening to the little voice that was saying save the world, and I started listening to the voices that said what if you fail? What if it doesn't work? what are you going to do if something goes wrong? And because I didn't have answers for those voices, I started assuming they were right. I didn't have all the answers, as I had in my school days. I was now at a point where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. I had gone from the rigid right/wrong world of school, to the unfastened world of…the world. I graduated college with a one sentence life plan, and a poorly constructed and almost completely unsupported one at that. I had been given a flag to plant, and I planted with gusto. Into ground so loose and unstable that anyone could have seen it was going to fall.

And it did.

I fell with it.

I skipped around from job to job, not having a goal, not having a purpose, not knowing what I was doing or where I was going, and it showed. I was terribly depressed because I had done the one thing I had planned on doing, and my one sentence life plan was at the end. My flag had fallen on the ground, been stomped on, torn, drenched in the mud.

And I think that’s when I stopped flying it. When I stopped believing in myself. Gone was the time when I could save the world. gone were all the super powers I thought I had, in school, in life, in church. I had gone out into the world, and the world had knocked me down so hard, I think I refused to get up.

I don’t think I have gotten up since. Sure I'm in a much better place, my finances are stable, my troubles with the law are over, I'm paying my bills and saving money at the same time, but I'm still just…there. I come home from work and I don’t do anything. I make excuses like I'm too tired, or I had a really long day, but I know deep down that’s bullshit.

I haven’t gotten up.

I took down my flag pole.

I folded up my flag and I keep it hidden. Afraid of what others will say about it. about what it represents. My past, my present, my possible future. Every time I think about pulling it out and flying it again, I look at it. I see the tears, the holes, the mud, the muck. Its not pretty enough. Its not perfect enough.

I'm not enough.

I refuse to believe I'm not enough. I'm really the only one who’s saying that. I'm the only one who sees all the bad things that have happened to my flag. I'm the only one who knows where its been.

Because I'm the only one who sees it anymore.

This ends now. Heroes don’t sit in the corner, looking at the tears in the their capes or the mud on their chests. They’re too busy moving forward, saving the day.

Saving the world.

I am a hero.

I am a hero to myself. What I do is not for me, it is for others. My past is my past and I cannot change it. I don’t care what anybody thinks about my flag. I don’t fly it for them, I fly it for me. I don’t plant my flagpole, because I'm too busy waving it in the wind. A hero doesn't fly his flag for himself, he flies his flag for others.

That is what I must do.